


Sunshine

by RioRiley



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Death, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sickfic, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 16:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17369399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RioRiley/pseuds/RioRiley
Summary: After years of not talking, Louis and Harry reunite after Harry realizes that it would be pretty shitty to just up and die of cancer without even telling Louis he is sick.





	Sunshine

He hates going there. Not that he hates Louis, or that he doesn't value the time he spends with him. He hates that every time he goes, he feels like hes trying to watch what he says around him, to make sure that he doesn't say anything he isn't supposed to say. That he doesn't talk about the things Louis isn't supposed to know about. It was harder, a year ago when Harry told Liam what was going on. A year ago, Louis would still ask about Harry, even though he refused to contact him himself. A year ago, Liam knew that Louis still cared for Harry, but now, he isn't so sure.

Now, Louis doesn't mention Harry. He doesn't ask how he's doing, or if Liam has spoken to him recently. He gave up, after for the first time in two years Louis called Harry, and Harry didn't answer, or even return his call. Louis took it as an insult that after all that time Harry couldn't even be bothered to return a phone call. That he couldn't be bothered to return Louis’ effort, but in Harry's mind, if Louis had cared at all, then he would have called much sooner.  
...  
Two years after Jay passed away, almost to the day, Harry called Liam early in the morning, his voice slow, as well as clouded with the mucous that comes after hours of crying. He wouldn't tell Liam what was going on over the phone, he just kept repeating over and over again, asking Liam to come. Begging him to come over, telling him he was scared. That he needed him. Liam, didn't even change out of his pajamas, he just got into his car, and drove as fast as he could to Harry's apartment, forgetting any traffic law in place.

When he reached Harry's door, he found it unlocked, and opened it to find all the lights turned on. That's how he knew Harry was really afraid. He'd never had any real fear of the dark, but when something was wrong, Harry always turned on the lights, trying so hard not to be enveloped in the darkness when his soul felt like it was drowning in it. Every light in his flat is on, even the light above his stove..

Harry's on his sofa, in the front room. He's wearing nothing more than his boxers, and he's shivering. Liam grabs a blanket from the other side of the room, and wraps it around Harry before sitting down next to him. On the coffee table in front of them, lays a manilla envelope, with two cloudy black and white photos on them. Liam knows as soon as he glances at them, that they aren't good news. 

He brushes Harry's hair behind his ear, trying to coax him to acknowledging he is there, to bring him back to reality from whatever dark place he is in. Harry looks at him, eyes wide, and swollen from tears. His face is red and splotchy. 

“Hey Harry.” Liam says calmly, rubbing his back. Harry nods, which isn't exactly a response to what Liam has said, but Liam gets it. That's as much of a greeting as he's going to be getting. He wraps his arm around Harry, pulling him a little closer, and Harry melts into his side. “Haz, are you alright?” Liam asks.

Harry scoffs. His gentle tears turn quickly to full on sobs, his body is shaking, and he's shaking his head, as he breathes heavily. It takes Liam no time at all to gather that Harry is certainly not alright. Harry motions to the pictures on the table. They're medical scans. Grey and black, each of them featuring a large white circle. A tumor, in Harry's brain. But that doesn't make any damned sense to Liam. Why would Harry of all people have a brain tumor?

After what seems like eternity on Harry's couch, Harry explains that the tumor is inoperable. It's not just any tumor, it's of the brain eating, seizure causing, slow death variety. Harry sure as hell doesn't deserve that, Liam thinks. No one deserves that, but especially not Harry.

He's not alright.

“Liam it's going to take away everything that I am.” Harry cries out.

“You'll be alright Haz. I promise.” Liam says, making a promise he clearly doesn't have the capacity to keep.

Harry shakes his head. “The doctor said that as time goes on I won't even be able to walk anymore. There will come a point when I can't remember anything. I won't be able to talk. I'll be a fucking vegetable. No more capable than a carrot lying in the refrigerator.” Harry rambles. Liam goes to rub his back, trying to calm him down.

“Don't say that Harry. You know that's not true.” Liam said.

“Clearly it is” Harry all but yelled.

“Harry I'm sorry. I really am.” Liam says quietly.

“I just don't get it Liam. I've lived a good life. I've been a decent person. I've done my absolute best to make the world a better place and i feel like this is just a slap in the face, like none of that mattered. Here I am, dying the most God awful way i could possibly imagine, and it feels like i'm being punished.” Harry says.

“Don't say that Harry. Don't say nothing you did matters, because it does. It did, and it will. You made this shit planet better by just existing, and hell no, you don't deserve this Harry. You're the last person i can think of who deserves this. But you're also the most capable person I can think of to go through this, and make the best out of it.” Liam says, running his fingers through Harry's hair. 

Harry, hates attention. It's the thing he has grown to hate the absolute most in being famous. The attention from people who don't really care about him. He hates that he doesn't feel as though he can trust anyone, that whenever he gets close to someone he has to question their motivation for wanting to be around him. He hates that there are so many people who will say horrible things about him at any opportunity. That there are so many people who not only say awful things, but believe them. He hates how easily situations get blown out of proportion. 

He hates, that he allows himself to hate people over the smallest things. He hates that he allowed himself to hate Louis. 

“Haz, I really think you ought to tell Lou.” Liam told Harry. Harry shook his head.

“He's got his album coming out in a few weeks. I can't do that to him now. I can't distract him.” Harry says, but they both know it's just another excuse.

Liam is there with Harry the most. He's there to accompany him to his doctor's appointments. He's there when Harry's put on oral chemotherapy. He's there for the God awful side effects. He's there when Harry has his first seizure. He's there as his body starts to betray him. As his hands start to shake almost constantly. As the bags under his eyes become deeper, and take on a near grey tinge.

All the while Louis is absolutely oblivious, because Harry doesn't want him to know. He doesn't want Louis to start suddenly pretending to care about him again, just because he's sick. He doesn't want Louis to suddenly act like he's sorry for everything that transpired the past few years. Mostly, he's afraid of inconveniencing him. He's afraid of becoming a burden on another person, someone he once, and admittedly still, cares for so deeply.  
...  
It's been a year since Harry was diagnosed. Liams laying in bed, when he receives a phone call from Niall, who had been over to see Harry that night. He's the one spending the night with Harry that evening. It had become a routine that they would rotate who would spend the night with him. Harry has an awful, paralyzing fear of dying alone in his sleep. They don't do introductions, or say hello. They just get right to the point.

“Liam he's not doing good.” Niall says quietly. Liam nods, regardless of how pointless the action is in a phone conversation. 

“How bad was it tonight?” Liam asks, matter of fact.

“He’s in a lot of pain Li.” Niall says before taking a deep breath. 

“You made sure he took his meds, yeah?” Liam reassures.

“Of course.” Niall says. He takes in a long, deep breath, “He said he wants Louis.”

“Are you sure that's a good idea, mate?” Liam asks hesitantly.

“I can't say no to him at this point Liam. I mean hell, we didn't question letting Zayn in to see him a few months ago, and he's there almost as much as we are now. It just feels wrong to me to not involve Louis.” Niall says.

“He had his check up today. What did the doctor say?” Liam asks, ignoring Nialls statement.

“They said he has less than Six months.” Niall says, sounding absolutely defeated amd gutted.

“I swear to god every time he goes in those doctors take off a couple months from him.” Liam all but screams. There are tears, that Liam didn't expect to cry, falling down his cheeks.

“It's gotten bigger. Pushing around in all the wrong places. The doctors said He's going to start going downhill soon, and fast.” Niall says desperately.

“But, do you really think it's a good idea to have Lou around him? I don't want to stress Harry out.” Liam says, full of contemplation.

“I talked to Harry about it for a while Li. He misses him. He really does. And i think he fully understands that in the event that he goes, without Louis even knowing he was sick, he'll kill Louis right alongside him.” Niall says.

“So how do we make it happen?” Liam asks in agreeance. He knew, that keeping Harry's illness a secret from Louis was a horrible idea. That it was wrong on so many levels. But it wasn't his choice to make. It wasn't his secret to share. It still isn't.

“Just drive him to Harry's home, I think. Harry still wants to be the one to tell Louis he's sick.” Niall says.

“So you expect me to drive Louis an hour away, without telling him why, or where, i’m taking him?” Liam clarifies. “To just deliver him to Harry?”

“That's exactly what I'm saying. I know it's not the most convenient way to go about things, but it's what harry wants, and were to the point now where we just need to make him happy. He needs Louis. He always has.” Niall says. 

The next morning, Liam calls Louis. He's shocked, to say the least, when after asking Louis if he will come into London with him for the day, Louis agrees without a second thought. He feels like a bit of a jerk for setting Louis up like this, knowing how badly the things that are going to happen today are going to affect Louis. But he can't change any of it. No matter how badly, as he pulls in front of Harry's apartment building, he wants to just tell Louis what's going on and give him a fair warning, he can't. 

Louis knows where he is. He's not stupid. Harry has lived here for more years than any of them can remember. But Louis doesn't argue. As Liam pulls up in front of the apartment, Louis takes in a deep breath, and simply nods.

They take the elevator up to Harry's floor, and Niall is there to greet them. Hes faking a smile, trying his best to act like nothing's wrong. Liam hopes Louis doesn't see right through his act. Niall hugs Louis. It's the tightest hug he's had in a while.

“Is this some sort of reunion?” Louis says with a short laugh. Liam places a hand on Louis’ shoulder.

“How've you been Tommo?” Niall asks, continuing with the fake smile.

“I've been alright Niall. How 'bout you? You're new album was great by the way. You really smashed it.” Louis says. 

“Ive been great. And thanks. Didn't know you'd took a listen.” Niall says.

“So what's the plan? Are we gonna talk out here or head into his flat?” Louis says with a little laugh.

“Liam and I are going to be waiting outside actually. It's nice to see you Louis.” Niall says quietly. He and Liam walk Louis to Harry's door, Niall opens it.

“He's here Haz.” Liam says into the flat. Then, he and Niall turn away. Leaving Louis to do it alone. 

Louis proceeds cautiously into the flat. Not much has changed since the last time he was there. Harry's gotten himself a new sofa, and a bigger television. The same paintings cover the walls. Their awards are arranged delicately on one wall. That surprises Louis, that Harry still has moments of One Direction adorning his apartment. Louis, had removed all evidence of the band from his personal home. 

Then, out of nowhere Louis feels Harry's long arms quickly wrap around him from behind, his head on Louis shoulder. “Holy shit i've missed you.” Harry says quietly. Louis spins around, and hugs Harry, as tight as he can. Harry leads Louis into the living room.

Then, Harry is sitting in the living room, on an older chair, one that Louis recognises. He walks up to Harry, and shakes his hand. After that, he gains the courage to look in his eyes. Harry's always had a tired look to him. He rarely sleeps. But looking at him, Louis knows that this is different. He looks exhausted. His skin is pale, like he hasn't been outside in months, Louis is certain that something must be wrong. That or on a positive note, maybe he's just working hard on a new album. He tends to forgo sleeping when he's working on his music.

“It's good to see you Lou.” Harry says quietly.

Louis looks at him, and nods. “It's been way too long.”

“Harry, are you okay?” He asks, hesitantly, already knowing the answer is no.

“I've been better.” Harry says with a sad smile. “We've, um, we've got a lot to catch up on Lou.”

Louis’ guilt implodes then. He knows he has a lot to apologize for. He knows he broke Harry's’ heart. He knows he's the reason that They don't speak anymore. He knows he is the reason, that it has been over two years since he saw Harry. He knows that this is all his fault. That he was a shotty friend. That he betrayed Harry.

“Lou, I'm so sorry.” Harry says. Louis didn't expect that. Harry doesn't have anything to be sorry for, this is all Louis fault- “Louis im so damn sorry that I didn't listen to you. That I didn't respect that you werent ready.”

Memories flood the both of them. Back to when they had been planning out the break for the band. Harry had come to Louis, late one night when they were still on tour, and climbed in next to him in his bunk. They had been dating, unofficially for nearly four years at that point.  
...  
“Lou, you know, when we have the break we won't be contracted to be quiet about us anymore.” Harry had said.

Louis simply nodded.

“We could come out. Be honest.” Harry continues. “We could live our lives the way we've always wanted to. Just you and me.” Harry says.

At that, Louis starts to sob. “Harry we can't.” Louis says.

“Why not? There's no one telling us we can't anymore Lou. Were free.” Harry says.

“I'm not ready, Harry.” Louis says.

“Well we don't have to do it right away, ‘f course. We can't wait til you're ready.” Harry sympathizes.

“No, Harry, I mean, I can't be with you. Not out publicly. You know that.” Louis says, looking right in Harry's eyes.

“Don't be a coward Lou.” Harry says sharply.

“Coward? I've been keeping up fake relationships for years to keep us safe! How the hell does that make me a coward?” Louis asks, tensely.

“Because as soon as you're given the chance to change it, you give up.” Harry says bitterly.

“Bri is pregnant, Harry.” Louis spits out quickly.

“What?” Harry asks, sitting up suddenly.

“I didn't plan it to happen babe. We literally had sex one damn time. She's pregnant.” Louis says again.

“And you're sure it's yours?” Harry asks

“Yeah.” Louis says. “Babe I'm so sorry.” 

“Don't you fucking dare call me babe. We've been dating for years Lou! Years!! And you just go turn around and get some random woman knocked up?” Harry says, heartbroken. “I cant believe youd do that Louis. I really can't believe you.”

“Harry, we can still do this..” Louis says quietly.

“I can't let you Louis. You have to own up to what you've done. I hope you can manage to be a proper dad, because clearly you weren't meant to be my husband.” Harry says. It's the last time Harry talks to him, for weeks leading up to the “hiatus”.   
...

Louis is sitting next to the couch by Harry. 

“It's okay Harry. 'M sorry I cheated. It was the absolute worst thing I could have done to you.” Louis says.

“It's alright Lou. For the most part, i'm alright with the way things turned out” Harry says with his ever so charming smile.

“You've been absolutely amazing Harry. Living your truth. I've been so damned proud of you.” Louis says. Harry nods. It took him a long, long time to be ready to live his truth, and be honest with himself, but he's so glad he made the choice to do it. He knew people would respect his choice, but he didn't expect them to rally around him in the way they did. To say he was redefining masculinity. He didn't expect them to respect his choice not to define his sexuality. But that started a movement. It made people realize how absolute bullshit it is that people are expected to make a huge deal about coming out if they just so happen to be famous. Harry made it not matter anymore.

“How's Freddie, Lou? He looks just like you.” Harry says genuinely.

“He's doing so good. Haven't seen him for a bit now, but Bri sends me pictures and videos every day. I facetime him each night. He's getting so big. He got big so fast.” Louis says. “You've never met him have you?” 

Harry shakes his head.

“Would you want to? I can get him here. He'd adore you.” Louis says.

“Is love that.” Harry admits.

Harry smiles. He knew Louis would be a damned good dad.

“How have you been Haz? If i'm honest, you aren't looking to good.” Louis says.

Harry nods, running his hands through his hair. “Yeah. We'd better talk about that eh?” Harry says with a smile.

“You're scaring me a bit.” Louis admits.

“I'm pretty sick Louis.” Harry says quietly. It's a major understatement. “Really sick.”

“Harry, what's going on?” Louis says quietly and quickly.

“Lou, I've got cancer.” Harry says finally.

“Is this some sort of sick joke?” Louis asks, his heart starting to race. Harry shakes his head.

“It's a grade four glioblastoma.” Harry says quietly.

Louis knows what that is. He sits for a long while in silence. Just thinking. He had prayed, long and hard, after losing his mum to cancer that he would never lose one of his loved ones to the awful disease again. He couldn't bare to watch another person he loves slip away from the God awful disease. Especially not Harry. Why the hell was this happening to Harry of all people.

He glances at Harry, who is also quiet. He sits, playing with his fingers in his lap. There's not much Louis can say. He knows he has royally fucked up. That he hasn't been there for Harry during the hardest time of his entire life. What is he supposed to say? That he's Sorry? Sorry for what. For hurting Harry so bad years ago, that when Harry was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer that he wouldn't even tell him. For not even attempting to call the past few years. Not even caring enough to ask someone else about his well being. For completely, cutting Harry out of his life, and acting as though he never even existed in the first place.

Louis grabs Harry, and pulls him into his chest. Harry wraps his arms around him, holding him tightly. It's a place, that whether or not Harry would admit it, he had longed to be. Just cuddled tight with Louis like they used to, even though the circumstances aren't anything near great.

“This sucks.” Louis says finally.

“Yeah.” Harry says with a tiny laugh.

“Harry… are you in pain?” Louis asks hesitantly. “No need to sugar coat.”

“Yeah. They've given me meds though, to take the edge off. But right now I'm good Lou. I'm glad we could talk.” Harry says.

“I'm sorry i didn't talk to you sooner. Harry why didn't you tell me? I know i've called, and you never answered.” Louis asks. He fully expects Harry to come straight out and tell Louis that it wouldn't have made a difference if he had told him. That there was no reason to tell Louis. That he didn't want to inconvenience him.

“I found out about the tumor right as you were starting the promotional work for your album. I couldn't distract you from it. I didn't want to. You'd worked so hard on it, and it was so good Lou. I just didn't want to take you away from it. I wanted to wait until things had cooled down. Until you finished with X Factor, and with touring.” Harry says honestly. “And when you called, I was having a rough day. If just started getting the bad side effects from my treatments. I didn't want you to find out then. I knew if I answered I would have told you everything and i just couldn't do that to you.”

“I would have been here for you.” Louis says defeated.

“That's why I couldn't have you knowing. You were doing such good things Lou.” Harry says.

“I would have been here Harry. Why would you have rather done this alone?” Louis asks.

“I had Liam and Niall Louis. Gemma too, and my mum.” Harry says. “Even with all them I constantly wanted you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you Lou. I know I should have.”

“What is the tumor doing to you?” Louis asks, regarding the side effects.

“I get a lot of headaches. And frequently have seizures. Because of where it's located in my brain, It's affecting my mobility, rather than my memory, so I'm experiencing a lot of numbness on my left side.” Harry says. “I feel like I'm tired all the time. I get a little moody, depending on who you ask.”

“How much time?” Louis asks quiet enough that Harry can barely hear him.

“I swear every time I have an appointment my doctor takes a few months off, but as of a couple days ago, they think I have about six months.” Harry says quietly.

Two weeks pass and Louis has moved into Harry's apartment. The move, isn't for romantic intentions, but more because Louis feels an overwhelming need to make up for lost time with Harry. He wants to make it up to Harry, in a sense. Even though Harry doesn't think Louis has anything to make up for. He makes it clear to Louis, that if he's there to pity him, than he isn't welcome. 

Louis knew he was taking on a lot of responsibility moving in with harry in his state of health. He knew it would be tough. That he would be helping Harry out a lot with seemingly mundane tasks. However, no matter how much Liam tried to prepare hom, nothing could have mentally prepared Louis for Harry's first seizure. It terrified Louis to his core. Watching Harry, completely lose control.

It made Louis angry. Not angry at Harry, by any means. Angry at the situation. Angry that Harry's body was betraying him like that. Angry that it was happening to Harry of all people. But most of all, He was angry that he couldn't do a single thing to help Harry. Just wait it out, and try to comfort him after the fact.

Harry doesn't do much moving around anymore. His body aches, and walking from his bed to his couch simply isn't worth it most days. So, he and Louis spend a great deal of time laying in Harry's bed, just talking.

“Did your family regret keeping your mum's illness a secret?” Harry asks Louis one night.

“Yes and no. I think sometimes she would have benefited from having people who constantly supported her, but having no one know also allowed her to leave with her own sense of dignity i suppose. Made it so millions of people didn't remember her as being sick.” Louis rambled.

“I think i want people to know.” Harry says quietly.

“I'll support whatever choice you make.” Louis says.

“What do you think happens after we die?” Harry asks.

“ 'm not sure. I'd like to think that this isn't the end, that we just continue.” Louis says.

“So just like wander the earth forever?” Harry asks. “Or heaven?” 

Louis shrugs, Harry smiles.

“I'd like to think there's something in between.” Harry says. “Like peacefully wandering with a purpose i suppose.” 

“What are you gonna do?” Louis asks.

“I figure I'll have a lot of time to kill before you get there. You'd better be old and wrinkled. So I'm the meantime, I think i'd spend time with you, with my mum and sister. But also, i think it would be insane to just haunt Madison Square arena. Listen to music every night. That seems nice.” Harry rambles.

“Who are the people you want to go find?” Louis asks

“That's a lot more pressing of a question now, haha.” Harry laughs. “Id have to go find Robin, your mum, John Lennon for sure. David Bowie. I wouldn't mind running into Walt Disney.” 

“What about you?” Harry asks.

“I'll find you first. My mum. Anyone else im close to who went away before i do. Don't really care about finding anyone else as long as I've got my family and friends.” Louis says quietly.

“By the time you're dome I'm sure Susan Boyle will be there for you.” Harry says winking. 

The next day, Harry arranges a phone interview with James Corden. It's short and to the point. Harry's open, and honest, explaining he has a tumor, and that he's going to die. He doesn't leave room for false hope. 

Harry's having an exceptionally good day, a few days later. He wakes up, and rolls over, staring at Louis, who didn't sleep, with a big wide eyes grin. He leans up into his elbows, and plants a sweet, and soft kiss onto Louis’ lips.

“Good morning my Lou.” Harry says.

“Good morning Sunshine.” Louis says, blushing.

“I've wanted to kiss you for so long.” Harry says with a smile.

Louis is convinced, that of he does everything that Harry's doctors say to do, then Harry will make it regardless of the nature of the tumor. He's convinced that if he makes sure Harry is eating healthy, maybe it will shrink. Like maybe adding an extra ounce of spinach to his smoothie in the morning will magically eradicate the tumor in ways even chemotherapy couldn't do. Maybe if he gets a little extra sun, his body will wake up and decide to fight the thing itself. Maybe, if he kisses his head, it will make it better. He wishes it would.

Louis wakes up in the middle of the night, Harry's breathing shallow, but loud. He's covered in sweat, and he's crying and shaking. Louis feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest, he's so worried. He gets up in Harry's view, making sure he's conscious, and not about to have another Goddamned seizure.

“It hurts so bad.” Harry says through thick tears. 

Louis dashes to the medicine cabinet in the kitchen, and grabs Harry an opioid painkiller. He hates taking them, but when he's got bad pains there's no other real option. He grabs a small glass of water too. He gently pressed the pills to Harry's lips, followed by the glass of water, and watches Harry take them quickly, screwing his eyes shut as soon as he's finished.

“You'll feel better soon darling.” Louis assures. “Tomorrow is going to be so much better, I promise you.”

The next day is no better.

Louis lays back down next to Harry, with his head on his pillow. He grabs his lover’s hand, running circles into his palm, over and over again. He keeps kissing ever so softly on Harry's shoulder. Harry's deep into his pain. Deep enough that it won't matter for Louis to say anything. Harry can't hear him.

Louis hates this. He hates that he can't do anything to make Harry better. He hates that he couldn't fix his mum. That no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he listened to her doctors and followed their instructions, he couldn't make her better. She died. It seemed like that biggest slap in the face from the universe, that now he cant help the love of his life. That he has to watch helplessly again as cancer takes away another one of the people he loves the absolute most in this cruel world.

Louis convinces Harry a few weeks later, on one of his really good days, that he should go outside. Doing so is much more of an endeavor than Louis thought it would be. He has to carry Harry from his bed to his wheelchair, and Louis hates how easy that is. Once in the chair, all bundles up in warm clothing with a scarf, hat, and even mittens, Louis pushes his chair outside. They go around the backstreets of London, looking at the town they love as it sits covered in a thin blanket of snow. It's peaceful. It's the first time Louis has seen Harry look so content in a long time.

When they get back home, Louis gathers Harry into his arms, and sits with him on the couch. 

“I love you.” Harry whispers, as they sit in front of the lit fireplace.

“I love you too.” Louis adds quietly.

The following afternoon, Louis has somehow convinced Brianna to bring Freddie over to Harry's apartment. Brianna brings him over a little after lunchtime, dropping him off, while Harry is taking a nap. Louis takes him into the living room, and plays with him for about an hour before Harry stumbled in. It's the first time Louis has seen Harry smile. His face lights up, He staggers over to Freddie, and sits on the ground in front of him.

Freddie inspects him up and down. “Hello.” He whispers shyly.

Harry smiles. “Hello! My name's Harry.” 

“You're daddy's boyfriend?” Freddie inquires. Louis’ face turns the same shade of red as a tomato.

“Yeah.” Harry says with a smile. “I am. Nice to meet you.” Freddie smiles, and waddles closer to Harry, plopping himself in his lap, facing him. He grabs his hair, tugging at it.

“Freddie be soft.” Louis scolds lovingly.

“He woke break me Lou.” Harry says with a smirk.

“I won't break him Daddy.” Freddie mimics.

That evening, Harry's in a lot of pain. The tumor is messing with his nerves, and his whole body constantly just feels like it's on fire. He hurts so bad, and sometimes, he wishes he could just die. Louis runs him a warm bath to soak in, and climbs in behind him, holding Harry between his legs, and massaging Harry's shoulders and back, kissing him everywhere, at every opportunity.

“So im your boyfriend now huh?” Harry says, breaking the comfortable silence.

“May as well be.” Louis says with a smile.

January comes and goes. If Louis is honest, he forgot about most of it. Days are such a blur with Harry being so horribly sick. Harry spends most of his time asleep, and when he's awake he's become slightly incoherent. He isn't remembering everything anymore. His speech is even slower, which Louis frankly didn't think could be possible. He's began slurring his words on top of everything. He sounds like a drunk, British, Elvis impersonator. But not even a good impersonator. The kind of impersonator who can't ethically charge more than 20 pounds a night for a gig. The side effects aren't the worst of it though. The worst of it, is that Harry knows what's going on. He knows he's getting worse. He knows he's forgetting things, and recognizes his speech. It makes him feel stupid and incapable. It makes him feel like an absolute burden. Like he has lost every last shred of dignity. It's absolutely so unfair, for Harry to come so far in his life, only to be dehumanized by the bastard of a tumor in his brain.

His doctors doubt that he will make it to the end of March, now. It's not until after dinnertime on the first thursday in February, when Harry is still asleep, that Louis remembers. 

Liam has called Harry's phone, Louis answers, as quick as he can hoping the ringtone hasn't woken Harry. His phone is full of missed calls from throughout the day.

“Hey Harry! Liam here, I was just calling to say Happy Birthday.” Liam says.

Louis heart aches. There are tears rushing down his face. “Oh my God. I forgot his birthday.” His breathing is uneven. 

“Lou it's okay.” Liam consoles.

“No Liam! It's not fucking “Okay”! This is Harry's last goddamned birthday and i fucking forgot about it!” Louis cries. He hangs up the phone.

“Lou… are.. you.. k?” Harry slurs from the bedroom, Louis walks inside, finding Harry sat up in their bed. 

Louis shakes his head, lowering himself to sit on the bed next to Harry. “Lou-isssss” Harry says, drawing out the S for far to long.

“It's your birthday Baby. And I forgot. I'm so sorry darling.” Louis says, through tears. 

“It's… okay.. Lou. ‘ didn't need anything. Jus’ need you…” Harry says slowly.

Louis pulls Harry into his chest again. They sit like that for most of the night, and Harry eventually falls asleep in the position, before Louis helps him to lay on Louis’ tummy.

“I love you… so much” Harry says with his British Elvis drawl impersonation.

“I love you most.” Louis says, kissing his lips.

Louis holds him the rest of the night, refusing to sleep. At around 2am, he watches, as Harry starts to have the worst seizure Louis has ever seen him have. Normally, Louis wouldn't dare call an ambulance, as it just isn't necessary. But, for whatever reason, he does.

Two weeks later, on Valentine's day, Louis is squished into Harry's bed, holding him. There are wires everywhere, pumping him full of medications designed to make him more comfortable. But, there are more people in the room than there are wires. People, who are there to say their goodbyes. He hasn't woken up since his birthday, and his doctors, doubt he will make it through the night.

Liam is sitting in a chair, pulled close to the bed. He has Harry's hand held in his own, and he's just talking. Talking about the most random shit, Louis thinks. No one knows if Harry can hear them, but Louis is convinced he can't, because if Harry could hear Louis, begging him to wake up, he would have found a way, and done it. 

Gemma, has a chair at the end of Harry's bed, her head resting on Harry's legs. It's 2 a.m., and she's asleep. Aside from Harry, she's the only one who can bare to do so. 

Niall is there, on the other side of the bed, in a chair, rubbing at Louis’ back. Anne's massaging Harry's feet. Zayns there too, but He sits against a wall. Crying silently. They're all crying, but Zayn is the only one who has the strength to be quiet about it.

It's 4am and Anne wakes Gemma up. His breathing is slow and shallow. Everyone around him is telling him how much they love him. Harry is so loved. Louis hopes he knows it. He hopes he told Harry enough that he loves him.

He tells him for the last time, at 5:31am, on Valentine's day.

A week later, Louis is stood in front of a shiny, beautiful black casket, embellished with rhinestone flowers all over. His lover is inside, wearing a sequined, floral Gucci suit, as requested. 

“My boyfriend, Harry Edward Styles, passed away last week, after the bravest battle with cancer the universe has ever seen. He asked me to speak today, but there's not a damn thing I could say to do him justice. But i know this, I know I can tell the truth. 

I loved Harry. I loved him from the moment i met him, for many of the same reasons millions of people lived him. I loved him for his smile. For his sense of humor. I loved how kind he was. I loved him for the difference he made in the world. We loved each other. We loved each other even when we were told not to. I'll never stop loving him. There's no possible way I could.

You're always in my heart, sunshine.”

**Author's Note:**

> yeah I'm sorry about this. well written? probs not bruh. please leave feedback.


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